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Elbow Room

You have a party of 2 and are wanting to sit down at a larger table that seats 6 people . . . . .


Uh, You’re An Idiot


As I’m placing the salad that you ordered in front of you, you say “Uh, you forgot the dressing”. I reach back to my tray to grab the dressing and stare at you for 3 minutes before putting it down.

I’m not an octopus. Wait until everything is down on the table before you ask for something. Soda drinkers, don’t ask for a straw right away, be patient. Ice tea drinkers, don’t ask for sugar right away, be patient. Complimentary bread eaters, dont ask for butter right away, be patient, and since we’re talking about free bread, don’t ask for more than one basket refill. It’s annoying and I’m going to take longer to come back to your table because you’re going to fill up on bread and then you’re going to ask me to box up the food you ordered because you’re too full, but you’ll still want to see our dessert menu because you still have one more notch left on your fat ass belt that you can still use.Then to cap it all off, you’ll ask me for one more side of bread and ask to have that boxed up to go as well. Please, just die already.

Crappy Anniversary


I finish taking your tables order when you lean over to the side and whisper to me, “It’s our anniversary” (pointing to some sweaty, overweight husband who definately doesn’t need a slice of whatever fattening desert, laced with crisco, that we offer for anniversaries). I say to you “Congratulations. It must be very special since you’re trying to hit me up for a free dessert.”

Honey, let’s spare no expense on our 10 year anniversary. I think we can get a free dessert at Dennys if we’re lucky.

There’s A Hole In Your Head

Extremely Lame Customer: Uh, I think there’s a hole in my glass because my beers all gone. So I get a free one right? Am I right? HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Server: HAHAHA!! HAHAHA!! HAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHA!!  Get out of here.

If I could put a shock collar on the people that say this to me, my thumbs would be sore from overly clicking the button.

Cheap Jail

Before you even order you ask me “How much does a coke cost?” Red Alert!! Red Alert!! Somebody call the Cheap Police. We have a possible suspect.

I’ve just gotten a glimpse of the kind of tip I’m probably going to be getting from you. You didn’t even bother to look in the menu for the price, and you are worried about the cost of a coke. I know I sound like a broken record, but don’t dine out if you can’t afford it. I will gladly google the directions of the nearest Burger King for you. Oh yeah, and one more thing, don’t roll your eyes and tell me that you can purchase a six pack of coke for the same price at the store, because chances are, you’re going to get at least 10 refills to make sure you’re getting your moneys worth. If you see me standing at your table with my eyes closed, it’s only because I’m imagining you exploding.

Jesus Tips


You’ve paid the bill and left me some sort of religious pamphlet as a tip. Luckily the name of the church you attend is on there so I can make sure to show my sincerest appreciation by placing your pamphlet into the collection basket. Thank you so much. Now go to hell.

Unfortunately, no matter how many times I read up on “The Power of God”, my gas tank just doesn’t seem to get filled up. But I’ll  tell you, dollar bills sure seem to do the trick everytime.


Eat The Lasagna On My Cheek


I walk over to greet your table only to find you fully making out with your signifigant other. I walk away for a moment and return with a fire hose on full blast. “May I take your order?”

This is awkward. It’s great that your so enamoured with each other that you’ve forgotten that you’re in a restaurant, but no one wants to see this. Especially if you have bits of food on your face, like peas or mashed potatos. I can only stand by the table and try to loudly clear my throat for so long.